Therapy is a little like dating—or even friendship. You know, that moment when you meet someone new and you’re not sure if you want to keep grabbing coffee with them or just… slowly ghost? Well, the relationship with your therapist is a lot like that. It’s about finding the right fit for both people, and sometimes, you just know when something feels off.
But what should you do if you’re not quite feeling comfortable with your therapist? Here’s a guide to help you figure out whether it’s worth sticking it out or if it’s time to swipe left.
Therapist Fit: It’s Just Like Any Relationship
Just like in any friendship or relationship, no one is the right fit for everyone. A good therapist isn’t universally great—they’re great for the people they really “click” with. Finding that connection is important. But just because a therapist might be a good fit for someone else doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the right one for you.
Think about it—there are different reasons why you might not feel comfortable. Maybe it’s the gender of the therapist, their theoretical approach, or even their personality or mannerisms. I’ve had clients tell me that past therapists were great for what they needed at the time, but they later realized they wanted something more—or that something just felt off.
Sometimes, it’s like picking the wrong restaurant. The food might be great, but it’s just not what you were craving. Maybe a therapist is hyper-focused on trauma, but you’re not quite ready to go there yet. Or perhaps their style is too direct, when you really need a softer approach. It’s okay to need different things, and it’s okay if it doesn’t feel right at first.
Is It Avoidance or Mismatch?
Here’s where things get tricky. There are definitely times when a therapist just isn’t a good fit for you. But there are also times when the discomfort you’re feeling isn’t about the therapist—it’s about the work itself. Therapy can be hard, and feeling uncomfortable doesn’t necessarily mean you should quit.
We’ve all been there, right? You know that feeling when you want to skip the gym because it’s easier to avoid the hard stuff? Well, therapy can feel the same way. Sometimes, the discomfort is a sign that you’re hitting on something important—something you need to work through.
If you find yourself avoiding sessions or feeling uncomfortable, ask yourself some honest questions:
- Is this discomfort because I’m avoiding difficult emotions?
- Have I given the therapist enough time to get to know me (at least 3 sessions)?
- Have I been open and honest about my feelings with my therapist?
Sometimes, the best thing you can do is bring this discomfort into the therapy room. It might feel strange, but talking to your therapist about how you’re feeling can actually help you work through bigger issues. Think about it—if you’re a people-pleaser in your friendships and struggle to speak up when something’s off, bringing that dynamic into your relationship with a therapist can be a valuable way to practice setting boundaries or expressing your needs.
How to Tell If It’s Time to Move On
Okay, so maybe you’ve given it a few sessions, had those honest conversations, and something still feels off. Here are a few signs that it might be time to move on and find a new therapist:
- You feel judged or unheard: Therapy should be a safe space. If you consistently feel dismissed, judged, or not listened to, it’s a red flag. According to the American Psychological Association, the relationship with your therapist is one of the most important factors in successful therapy outcomes.
- Mismatch in communication style: Just like with friends, sometimes communication styles clash. If you’re looking for someone who gives direct feedback and your therapist is more reflective and non-directive, it could feel like you’re not getting what you need. Similarly, if their approach feels too intense or not intense enough, that mismatch could be a barrier.
- You’re not making progress: Therapy isn’t always about immediate results, but if you feel like you’ve been spinning your wheels for a while, it might be time to evaluate whether this therapist is the right fit for your goals.
Tips for Finding the Right Fit
Here’s the good news: you have options. Many therapists offer free consultation calls so you can get a feel for their style before committing to a full session. It’s like a first date without the awkwardness. You can ask them questions about their approach and see if their communication style aligns with what you’re looking for.
Additionally, many therapists these days have websites, Instagram pages, or Psychology Today profiles where you can see how they speak and what their values are. A quick scroll through their online content can give you a feel for whether their vibe matches yours.
Final Thoughts: Listen to Yourself
There’s no magic formula to know whether a therapist is the right or wrong fit—it’s all about listening to your gut. Ask yourself:
- Do I just need to give this relationship with a therapist more time?
- Am I avoiding the hard stuff, or is this truly not working for me?
- Have I been honest with my therapist about my discomfort?
At the end of the day, trust yourself. You’ll know if you’re giving it a fair shot, and you’ll also know when it’s time to move on. It’s your journey, and you deserve to feel safe, supported, and comfortable along the way.
